Friday, June 8, 2012

Crabby Feaux (aka, Things I don’t like.)

Just a bit of crabby, non-Cajun food related randomness, because this cold has been hanging on WAYYYYYY too long now.

I refrain from use of the word “hate”, because that word is one of the things I don’t like.  Things I Despise, on the other hand…totally okay.


- Accidentally biting into a rotten tomato.  UGH.  BLECH.  BARF. (at the top of the list because it happened about ten seconds ago.)


- People who disrespect someone who’s just doing their job.  I mean, if your waitress is being a lazy, rude good-for-nothing who throws Pepsi in your face, okay, fine, you can get snarky with her.  But if someone’s just doing her JOBBY-JOB and not being a d-bag to you…give ‘em a break. 

Par exemple: a while back I was sitting across the aisle from a lady on a plane who had her phone earpiece in, & was trying to have a convo, and the stewardess started her standard gub’ment required spiel.  Surely Lady has ridden in one of these magical flying contraptions before & realizes that it’s standard practice.  And if she HASN’T ridden in one of them, then SHE is the person that Madame Flight Attendant is directing her diatribe toward.  But rather, said passenger-lady quite loudly states, “Ugh, hang on…the freakin’ stewardess keeps talking.”  Uh…yeah.  That’s what she does.  What say you hang up the phone, since she’s gonna be telling you to do that anyway here in about 10 seconds?


- The phrase “How’s married life?”  Because the majority of people who ask that are, themselves, married.  You already know.  Pick a less generic question, or ask me about the weather.  I’m more than happy to talk about how much I love my husband, but I’m still a stickler for semantics.


- Chewing with your mouth agape.  Close ya’ trap. You’re making a horrible smacking noise, which is similar to the sound the back side of my hand will make across the front side of yo’ face.


- Closely related to the above picture (woohoo, segue!): Fake nails.  And french manicures.  They don’t look real.  You’re not fooling anyone.  And why in Gaba’s name do you even want your nails that long?  How do you hold a pen?  Or type?  Or not stab yourself, for that matter?  They’re like talons, which is NOT sexy.  At all.  Particularly when you get them in FLESH TONES:

But I bet you’re REALLY great at opening mail.





- Fake tans in winter time.  Everyone else is pasty too, and your clothes cover 95% of your body.  Just own it.  Pretend to be a vampire.  You probably like those books anyway.


- Gals who DON’T cover their bods with 95% clothing in winter.  I cannot recall the number of times I was on the night shuttle at school after leaving classes in November (average High temp 56F, low temp 37F) & seeing a gaggle of shivering girls pile on the bus in mini’s & midriffs.  Not that I’m anti- looking cute.  But I AM anti-pneumonia, and pro-comfort.  There’s the real challenge, ladies…figure out a way to look sexy AND not catch a cold.  Now hurry back up to your dorm room & put on some d**n pants.


- Crazy high heels.  I fear for these ladies’ lives.  Particularly when it’s 1am and they’re trying to walk on the craggy sidewalks of downtown Springfield (or the French Quarter) while VERY inebriated.  Yes, they’re very pretty shoes….but physics tells me they’re not going to protect your face/knees/elbows/fake manicure from that concrete.


- “Skrait-thuggin” kids in the Midwest.  Your house is surrounded by corn; your neighbors drive a horse & buggy.   You iz not a gangster.  Pull up yer pants.


- There, Their, They’re.  ‘Nuff said.


- Fake hand washers.  You know the ones.  They turn the faucet on for a couple seconds in half-hearted attempt to make it sound like they washed their hands to the other ladies in the stalls.  So now, you’re not only unsanitary, you’re a water waster.  To the Pit of Despair with you!


- The white Kia Soul.  Looks like a stormtrooper.


- Overuse of the phrase “ya know”.  No, I don’t know, that’s why you’re supposed to be telling me.  My favorite southern radio show “Walton & Johnson in the Morning” will hang up on a caller who uses “ya know” more than two times during their call.  Three strikes & you’re out.


Ya Know???


So, tell me:  What are the things YOU despise?


  1. 1. You had me at the Princess Bride reference. You had me at the Princess Bride reference.

    2. FAKE HAND-WASHERS OMG! All they do is wet their germs. Groce.

    3. I want to hate French manicures, I really do, but I don't hate them. What I DO hate is super long nails like you mention, or really square tips, but, a VERY short, very trim French mani is pretty, in my eyes. Long talons of any color are hideous and should be banned in 47 states. Excluding Arkansas and Oklahoma. And one other.

    4. Is it OK if I don't wear thug pants but I still like to skraight thug it yo?

    5. Just, 5. Because.

    1. I should clarify--I dislike the long and/or square french manicure. But if it's short, and the nails are rounded, it doesn't bother me. I guess just the idea of square nails bugs me. Because it don't look nat'ral, yo.

      You can totally kick it skrait thuggy style. But you're up 'round Seattle, and I don't think there's corn outside your house.